Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Well howdy there folks. This is my first "official" blog on this site that my wonderful wife set up. Sarah has been getting on my case for a while now about posting so here I am. In case you are asking yourself "hey, who is this super cool new guy that's blogging here?" let me show you.

This is me:

Yes, I am that cool and those are the sweetest chops ever. Anyway, not much going on here. You could probably tell by Sarah's blogs that we're all about the snow here. Its a regular frickin winter wonderland here. I work from home mostly so its not that big a deal to me, but I do like to get out every once in a while without needing a snow trencher to get out my front door.

Kinda grouchy today. I filed the taxes this past weekend and we have so many things we need to do or have done around the house that the return is all pretty much spent. Don't get me wrong, I like that we got a return and I'm very grateful....however, I just hate the fact that there's always stuff waiting to suck up the money as soon as we get it. Oh well, guess that's what money is for. Just keep making and spending.

So while thinking of all these wonderful ways to spend our money, I have been listing all the projects we need and want to finish. We have our backyard and fence to complete, we have our game room to finish, we have our bedroom that completely needs to be redone, we have the kids rooms that need to be finished up, we have the office that needs to be finished, we have the kitchen that needs to be finished, we have the garage that needs to be finished, we haven't even started on our living room or just any basic home decor.....the list goes on and on. Parts of our house just look like we moved in yesterday and slapped a painting on the wall just so it wouldn't be completely bare. I love my house, but there is just so much we want/need to do with it. I came up with 2 or 3 more projects everytime I wrote 1 down. I know its the "joys" of homeownership but sometimes I wonder if the bullshit will ever end. Will it ever just be done and we'll be completely happy with everything the way it is and not need to do another thing? Most likely no, but its a grand idea. I know this is not our "forever" house either, which is one of the reasons I don't really want to get too invested in molding it into our perfect home. One day we WILL have our perfect home so I'm holding out for that. This one is great, but its temp. However, we still want certain things done with it.

Well all that project listing didn't really help with my mood. Mostly because we're ass deep in winter goodness and I can't even really do most of these projects until the weather changes. And I was already irritable today cuz of stupid crap at work and not being able to get anything done, in addition to the fact that the kids have a snow day which means I get to hear them bicker and fight all day instead of just in the evening. So my neverending project list just added to that. Plus the fact that seemingly all extra dough will be needed for this stuff rather than fun stuff like vacations and all that jazz. It just seems like such a huge ongoing ordeal sometimes. I wonder if it would be better to be stranded on a tropical island where my most important decision is which cocount to drink out of instead of the color scheme and bedding for our room or how much braces for the kids will cost.

That seems to be enough for now. Mostly because blogging about all this junk makes me think about it again and makes me aggravated all over again. And partly cuz I'm not super into blogging. So that's last call folks, gotta cut you off for now. I promise I'll be back again sometime this year so stay tuned.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Do you ever feel like who you are just isn't good enough? That you just don't fit? Feeling like, as the song says, you're drowning in the sea of forgetfulness? Well, I do. There's another song, and in it the singer says "The eyes of the Lord are moving to and fro throughout the earth, searching for a heart that's completely His." I was talking with a friend earlier about those lyrics..I want to be the person who stops the Lords searching. When His eyes look upon me I want him to know that my heart is completely His. Thankfully, He can see my heart. But what do others see? Do I act like a person who's heart is completely the Lords? Lately, I don't think I do. I feel like at every turn I am failing. He's really working with me on some things in my heart, and I know that it's always darkest before the dawn.

I'm just feeling jumbled..knowing my ultimate destination but not so happy with the way I'm choosing to get there.

I know I need to make changes..and unfortunately those changes don't make me very appealing to some of my family and friends. And, it hurts. It hurts that I am only approved of when I meet the expectations of those around me. It hurts that as I make these changes I find more and more that I am accepted less and less.

The bottom line is that I would rather be completely alone on this earth and be right with the Lord than be surrounded by people and be out of sorts with the Lord. He is ultimately my one and only. If I have others around me, well that's just a bonus. But that doesn't mean the pain of losing is any easier.

I'm so thankful for my husband, children and those who truly love me for who I am and who I am growing into.

My friend gave me this scripture, and it really struck a chord, perfect for me right now.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23,24

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Random journaling.....

Ever have one of those moments..days..weeks..where you have that thought, "what is the purpose of this" Not what is the purpose of this life..but what is the purpose of this situation, this conversation, this ...

I'm having one of those weeks. I find myself in these situations and conversations (some I'm not even a part of..just listening) and wondering..why do people talk about these things..why are these things even important. Is every little surfacey detail really THAT important? Does life really need to read out like a Steven King book? Knowing every stupid detail of how you got dressed this morning? Could these little insignificant things really be that life changing? Is this really what life hinges on? And as I listen or watch or try to ignore, I get more and more irritated..and then before I know it I'm saying something that probably would have been better kept inside. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a bit of a problem not speaking my mind..even when it's not all that appropriate.

But then I think to myself, what IS appropriate?

Is it better to just sit there and smile while the bullcrap runs sloppily out of peoples' mouths?

People say they want honesty. I think they want honesty when it is beautiful. They don't want honesty when it's not flattering.

If you truly answer those "what do you think" questions, people tend to get offended, or just completely dismiss you. I'm not saying this is only between me and the people around me. I see it in all of the conversations that go on around me. The minute something cracks below the surfacey conversation you can see the bricks and mortar coming out..and the walls go up faster than the sun sets in Hawaii.

And then there's the constant my shit smells better than yours issue. WHY DOES IT MATTER????? Is individuality really THAT offensive? Do we all REALLY have to be exactly the same? Do we all have to have fun in the same way, smile the same way, think the same way, raise our kids the same way, interact the same way? Is my silent smile somehow worse than your over the top look at me I need approval cackle of a laugh? Does it really make you that uncomfortable that I can sit and be quiet and be completely content in it?

It seems that we all want everyone around us to be exactly the same, because then it's completely predictable and safe and easy.

Hello, my name is ______. Nice to meet you. How are you? Oh wait, please don't go in depth. Just say you're fine, good or great. Don't go any further. Don't elaborate. See you again, soon. Wow, I just made a great new friend!


I dare you to be deep and willing to open yourself..I dare you to be willing to get hurt. I dare you to be willing to maybe look stupid or say something goofy..I promise, I'll still love you. It's ok to be you..even if you're a complete wack job.

I guess even if you want to be surfacey and basically non existent in our conversations, that's ok. But, I'll always wish that I could have gotten to know the real you..the one you're too scared to show.

The other thing that's bothering me are those who feel they can only be close in certain circles. When it's socially acceptable. Is there a reason we can't be ourselves no matter where we are? Is there a reason we are only "allowed" to talk about certain things with certain people and not others?

I was listening to a conversation and heard a friend tell the people she was talking to that she was nervous b/c she didn't know how others felt about the topic at hand. And, I was instantly heartbroken, angry, disappointed, livid. On one hand, yes, it's nice to be sensitive to others. But on the other hand, why do we feel the need to censor our conversations? I so wish we could just be open and that there would never have to be that worry of offense. That we could love each other in a way that no matter what was being discussed our level of respect would run deep enough to embrace them.

Cuz the thing is, you don't have to agree with someone in order to listen and be empathetic. You don't have to support an issue in order to listen to someones heart.

Or do you.

I don't think if you look in the Bible you'll find a situation where Jesus didn't listen and love the person he was dealing with. Whether He agreed or not, He always had the time and He always was willing to give encouragement. He was honest enough to let the person know that He hated their sin, but He loved THEM. He hated what they were doing, but He loved them as a human. And, He was always willing to help someone up, to give them the truth..even if it wasn't the easy option.

I go back n forth between being a person who enjoys being in conversations and being in the middle of everything to wanting to be removed and just sit and listen and enjoy the atmosphere. I think I got the best of both of my parents in that aspect. My Mom loves being with the group of people at the house and laughing and visiting and telling stories, etc. My Dad loves to sit and watch and smile and sometimes interject..he studies. I'd have to say that I lean more on the side of my Dad's personality than my Mom's at most times.

Talking to Swede a few months back, and asking/complaining about surfacey relationships and why they even had any use. He explained that if I only had vanilla ice cream every day for the rest of my life, I'd get bored. That we like/need all different flavors to make things exciting. And that we can learn and grow in different ways with different "flavors"...and I totally agree with that. I'd never really looked at it that way before. It was kind of a light bulb moment. Of course it didn't set in til later, as most things do for me. I guess I'm just a thinker ;)

Anyway..I'm just feeling frustrated. Wondering where I fit. My whole life I've heard, "why don't you" "why can't you" "if you'd just" and it all surrounds me forcing a cheesy grin or me wanting to skip down the street or me wanting to do back flips to enter into the mainstream fake club.

I finally realized, I'm happy. I'm happy when I'm sitting quietly, watching others. I'm happy when I sit and watch my kids play and the dog roll around on the ground. I'm happy watching the kids at the park skip. I'm happy watching kids play in the snow. I'm happy sitting, reading my magazine and listening to birds. I'm happy listening to my music. I'm happy doing crafts and walking. I'm happy listening to others. I'm happy doing my stupid little dances. I'm happy shoveling my snow, I'm happy cleaning a toilet, I'm happy gorging on mashed potatoes. AND, more importantly I don't have to put a big flashing neon sign on me to let you know that I'm happy. Because being truly happy means I don't have to prove myself to you. I am who I am. If you like it, fine. If not, fine. But, I don't think that being happy means that you never get pissed. That you never get upset or hurt..or sad.

I was telling Swede last time we spoke that I struggled with having peace in my core no matter what was goin on. I wanted to be able to be upset with something or someone but still have that core of peace. Instead I had peace on the surface but anger (or whatever else) in the core. And it was a huge struggle for me. I didn't want to be in a situation where something was happening around me and I on the surface was all peachy but inside was so full of anxiety I could have burst. I instead wanted to be in a situation and be able to show that I was upset, but in my core still have that everlasting peace that I knew all was fine. And, I can say now, that most days I have that. I have that inner peace. But, there are still days when the peace is out the door and I want to attack. Friday and yesterday were 2 of those days. I just snapped. So sick of the bullcrap. So sick of the constant nothingness in things surrounding me. So sick of the petty weird crap. Zero tolerance. I hate it when that happens! BUT, as I sit here and think and get out the crap I can feel the core of peace coming back.

Ernesto posted lyrics to a song today that really as he said gave "warm fuzzies" As I read them I could feel that peace that only comes from the Lord shower my body. You fellow believers know what I'm talking about..I hope! Here are the lyrics:

Daniel Kirkley - Unrepeatable

Heart without a home
Desperate to belong
You haven't been forgotten
Poet with no voice
Singer with no song
Your silence borne of sorrow
Can you hear God whisper...
Nowhere else is there another like you
Rare and beautiful is how he made you
Irreplaceable is how he sees you
You're everything that He could dream
Exactly who you were meant to be
You're unrepeatable
Fingerprint of God
Precious child you are
Lovingly created
All that makes you laugh
All that makes you cry
Every dream that stirs within you
Is God calling
I'm praying that you'll see
And one day you'll believe (that)

I loved the lines: "Irreplaceable is how He sees you" and, "You're unrepeatable" Because, it's true. You may not be like everyone else..but the great thing is, you were never meant to be. You are irreplaceable, unrepeatable.


There are different kinds of happy. For me it may never be that crazy bouncing off the walls happy (although I do have my days!), but I've found so much peace in embracing the quiet peaceful happiness that flows through me.

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror at my face and think, wow, there's a story there. As I look at the lines on my face, I can see the hurts and the joys that created them. And, sometimes I look in the mirror and, this is my outside? Cuz my inside feels SO much better than my outside looks! LOL

So my resolution is to try to remember to smile more..have you ever felt like you were smiling and then made yourself hold that "pose" and ran to the bathroom to see what you really looked like? I have. And sometimes when I think I am smiling, I go into the bathroom and look and it's like..HMM..not so much. In some weird way, though, in encourages me. Because for so long..I was smiling on the outside while the inside was crying. And now, I may not look like I'm smiling on the outside, but on my inside I am SMILING EAR TO GLORIOUS EAR!!!!!!

Sooooo even at times like this, when I am frustrated and disillusioned and whatever else..I'm happy. I'm happy to be able to acknowledge my feelings. And, I'm happy to have the tools to work through them. And, I'm happy to know that no matter what, I am truly loved, irreplaceable, and unrepeatable. And, I'm happy to know that I have a Savior Who truly cares, can feel my growing pains and always welcomes me home back into His arms.

Yesterday and the day before sucked. I was a horrible example and not a very nice person in general. As I like to say, I was captain of the crap parade. But, thankfully, the parade is over and the floats are being disassembled.

Love you guys

*p.s. the word surfacey is not in my dictionary. BUT, it IS in the dictionary of Sarahisms.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Ashley is now dictating her blog to me as well. Here is what SHE has to say:

My NEW favorite thing to do isssss...SNOWBOARDING!!!!!!!!!!! Even though I fell on my butt a lot, it was still worth it. It's really hard to steer and when you want to go snowboarding, or learn, you better be prepared for some pain the next day. And I mean serious pain.

I was at my Mom's work and I helped out by taking out cleansing stuff and separating them into different bins, there was soap, am facial stuff and pm facial stuff, some weird ear thing, and a sponge. I don't know what that has to do with cleansing, but it was fun. And, I also shredded paper but it sucked because the shredder kept overheating after like 4 papers. And then I got to try a yummy health bar that was Belgian chocolate chip. It was yummyyy. And then after all my hard work, I earned six dollars...............AT MY MOM'S WORK! It was pretty exciting.

And, that's all I have.

Here is the picture that we took of Ash specifically for this super cool blog entry:

J is dictating his blog to me, here is what he'd like you to know:

Mommy is nice (I didn't bribe him to say that!), and Sadie is a nice girl, and she licks my hand a lot and then I get slobber on my hand. And, I like my family.

Here is the picture J had me take of him specifically for this blog entry..he's a crazy guy.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Well, hello there :) I was hoping you'd stop by! heehee

Anyway, today was a good day. Volunteered in J's classroom this morning. Those little kids are SO hilarious. Love my time there. And then I came home, jumped in the shower to get ready to meet our friend Jason for lunch! We hadn't seen him in, gosh, probably 7 years? Maybe more. SO great to hang out with him again. Jaden was very excited to see him, he's never met him before, but he came with a big white tub of GI Joe they were instant best buddies. Then we ran a few errands, came home, switched keys and I went off to clean the school, then rushed back home to get Ash and then all the way back down to Glenwood and State so Ash could get her haircut! Phew! What a day. But, it was a fun one. And, A's hair looks soooo nice! Kristi took off about 3 inches in the back and then gave her a lot of layers..which A loves.

It's a nippy 12 degrees outside as we speak, but I am warmer than I was last night! Mostly b/c I have weather appropriate clothing on. Details...

Well, I suppose that's all for today :) Chris says he will post soon, so keep an eye out! Should be pretty entertaining. He always is!

Love you guys