Do you ever feel like who you are just isn't good enough? That you just don't fit? Feeling like, as the song says, you're drowning in the sea of forgetfulness? Well, I do. There's another song, and in it the singer says "The eyes of the Lord are moving to and fro throughout the earth, searching for a heart that's completely His." I was talking with a friend earlier about those lyrics..I want to be the person who stops the Lords searching. When His eyes look upon me I want him to know that my heart is completely His. Thankfully, He can see my heart. But what do others see? Do I act like a person who's heart is completely the Lords? Lately, I don't think I do. I feel like at every turn I am failing. He's really working with me on some things in my heart, and I know that it's always darkest before the dawn.
I'm just feeling jumbled..knowing my ultimate destination but not so happy with the way I'm choosing to get there.
I know I need to make changes..and unfortunately those changes don't make me very appealing to some of my family and friends. And, it hurts. It hurts that I am only approved of when I meet the expectations of those around me. It hurts that as I make these changes I find more and more that I am accepted less and less.
The bottom line is that I would rather be completely alone on this earth and be right with the Lord than be surrounded by people and be out of sorts with the Lord. He is ultimately my one and only. If I have others around me, well that's just a bonus. But that doesn't mean the pain of losing is any easier.
I'm so thankful for my husband, children and those who truly love me for who I am and who I am growing into.
My friend gave me this scripture, and it really struck a chord, perfect for me right now.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.