Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm exhausted. People look at me, not sure if they should approach (truly). I quickly do my task, wherever/whatever it may be, and then quietly slink out as not to be noticed, bothered, talked to or smiled at. I just want to be done, go home, be swallowed up in my husbands arms, feel his lips kiss mine, tuck the kids in, hug the dog & tell her how much Momma loves her, go to bed and SLEEP.

Today I ran non-stop from 7am until after 9pm. Spent most of Bible study tonight fighting sleep and tears. Chris had to shove me to make me open my eyes and lovingly reminded me that I was not allowed to sleep through the study. Ok honey, I won't. No reflection on pastor of course..we're in Revelation right now and it's riveting, honestly. But my body is just not wanting to cooperate.

Val and I are going to hike up and down Tablerock in April. She asked if I'd go, and so I will. It may kill me, but I will. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm going to wear depends just in case I lose all bodily functions..which is highly likely. :)

Mom called tonight before church and let me know that our friend Al (he married us and my parents) who has been like a father to my parents, and a grandfather to us kids (he and his wife are our Godparents) got a "bad" diagnosis..his prostate cancer has now spread to his spine. He's in quite a bit of pain, but of course, has a great attitude. He first found out he had cancer just a few days after he married Chris and I in 1995. He's been fighting it off and on since then. They are going to get him on radiation again and maybe some chemo again. Breaks my heart. Absolutely breaks it. The only thing that makes this better is that through everything he only loves the Lord more. And that shall he lose this battle on earth, he will win the battle spiritually and spend eternity with our Father in Heaven. And, that one day we will see each other again. But, please be praying for him..and for the rest of us..and especially for his wife, Jackie.

I got an update from Tina on Mercy. She is gaining some feeling back in her legs and feet but in the form of excruciating pain. Tina says that depression is something Mercy is fighting right now, as is to be expected. I'm sure that becoming paralyzed is much like mourning a death. Because in a sense, it is. So..please be praying for her, too.

Chris and Ash are still sick and now J is feeling icky too. I'm still doing well. Taking all of my vitamins like a good girl and drinking lots of water.

Swede (my friend and counselor) asked me the other night while we were chatting on Facebook when I'm going to let him help me get "in shape"..biking, running, etc. I wanted to say, "Promptly after I castrate you." But, I didn't. I just said a firm "NEVER". And then we continued to fight back and forth until I agreed to a walk around the park :) (If you're reading this, Swede, I would never castrate you. haha) Anyway, his main goal is to get me to sweat because he knows that I have a huge sweat phobia. I absolutely hate sweat and sweatING. He's like my brother in that he does bike racing and skiing and all that crazy crap. It makes me tired to think of it. I love that he enjoys it. But I truly don't believe that all of us need to enjoy the same things. I told him that I'd be more than happy to sweat with him as we hammer the tar out of tiles in the summer to make mosaics. He didn't reply. hmm

After talking with him, as usual, I am emotionally drained. That man has a way of ripping your whole world apart while you're both laughing..and you don't realize he's done it till 5 minutes after you've left his presence. As he says, he enjoys my pain. ;) But, it's good..he's always making me stretch. His 3 questions for me are always:

1. How is your heart? (no one word answers allowed..believe me, I've tried)
2. 3 part question: What are you doing to grow spiritually, emotionally and physically?
3. What are you're goals to make your life even BETTER and MORE exciting?

Some might think..well you could easily BS through those questions. Um, if you think that, then you haven't met Swede. LOL

So, I answered the questions for him..and now I'm searching myself to see where I am truly growing..where I am becoming stagnant..and where I am moving backwards. Ugh..tears well up in my eyes instantly just thinking about it.. It could be the exhaustion. I'm just not sure I have any more energy to devote to anything, much less myself. That's not a pity party, it's just true. I'm all tapped out.

But, just when I feel I have no more to give, I am reminded that I need to go back to the well for my filling. If I am feeling empty, it is because I have not taken the time to fill my cup with The Word. Yes, I read my Bible daily. But, do I really devote time to being filled or do I just read the words. Sometimes, I just read the words. And it is when I let those "sometimes" turn into "most of the times" that I find myself empty. Stephen Curtis Chapman would say, "I'm divin in". No earthly thing can fill me like my Savior can fill me. And, as the world and those around me continually fail me time and time again and in mass numbers..there is One who will never and has never failed me. And that is my Jesus. Never once. So where else would I possibly turn, but to Him. He's never left, he's still here.

Jason Upton says in one of his songs (it's a longer quote, but I'll just write part of it), "It's like the Father's saying, I'm in the same place now as I was the first time I called you. I'm not moving around, I'm right here." We just have to take that step. He's just one step away, and if we will be willing to take that step into His presence, all of the outside worries and concern will melt away. But we (I) get so caught up in the day to day living that I let that simple truth be washed away. How silly I am.

I love these lyrics:

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


The part that got me the other morning was: "Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough." Ouch. I mean I'll just let that grab you as it does. I don't need to put my thoughts into it. Just ponder it. It's pretty heavy stuff.

I find that a question I feel He asks me often is "Why" WHY do you want that...WHY are you striving for that...WHY did you let that bother you..WHY are you holding onto that..WHY don't you let Me do that..and I have to say that the answers usually come pretty quickly. Because, if I truly am focused on HIM (the Father) and HIS word, the rest of my life falls into place. It is when I go off on my own that I run into hurts and troubles and frustrations. It's like me trying to perform surgery on someone. I have no business doing it, that's why we let the professionals do it. They are much better equipped to perform surgery than we are. Same thing with life..why are we constantly trying to prove that we can do it all on our own, when we are simply not qualified to do so? *sigh* Human nature I suppose.

Anyway..I've chatted long enough. It's 10:27 and I have no idea if I'm even awake at this moment.

I love is not the time to get comfortable in your life..don't let yourself get in the way of all that He has planned for you. His plans are much better than yours..why settle for a mediocre life when you can have a FABULOUS life in Him?


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