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What makes you the happiest?

My Jesus. He lights up my world in every way. There is no darkness when the Father is with you. He illuminates even the darkest pit with His light and glory.

Ask me anything

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/SaritaConchita

Cupcakes, Back By Popular Demand!

So, many of you have not heard of the cupcake that brought on my hissy fit the other night.  How you have not seen them, I just can't fathom!  I can see them from miles away.  Anyhoo, I thought I would give you a picture, so you can know what you're lookin' for when you go in..  Here I give you the (drum roll please): 

Starbucks Chocolate Chocolate Cupcake 

And, if you are wanting a "cheat" night, it's really not all that bad!  I mean, in comparison to say a slice of cheesecake from Cheesecake factory which can run you upwards of 1300 whopping calories!! (stay away from the Red Velvet Cheesecake there!  Other options hover closer to between 500 and 700 cal)  Of course, you could share a cheesecake and be, in general, doin super good!  But, I don't like to share dessert.  Never have. Never will.

Nutritional Info on the Chocolate Chocolate Cupcake:

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 cupcake

Amount per Serving
Calories 350 Calories from Fat 170
% Daily Value *
Total Fat 19g	29%
Saturated Fat  7g	35%
Trans Fat  0g
Cholesterol 10mg	3%
Sodium 250mg	10%
Total Carbohydrate 44g	15%
Dietary Fiber  2g	8%
Sugars  32g
Protein 3g	6%

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There are also other versions. There is a vanilla one, and then a red velvet one. The red velvet version is actually a bit less in the calorie department. But, I'm not interested in trying it. I want CHOCOLATE. And, I could drown in a tub of that chocolate frosting. Forget the cake part of the cupcake, I want that FROSTING..and the little dark chocolate disk on top? Divine. Just flippin divine.

A Couple Quotes I Just HAD To Share With You!

These were too great not to pass on.  So, here are a few bright shining stars from Joyce Meyer!  Be blessed :)


Battles are fought in our minds every day.When we begin to feel the battle is just too difficult & want to give up, we must choose to resist negative thoughts & be determined to rise above our problems.We must decide that we’re not going to quit. When we’re bombarded with doubts & fears,we must take a stand & say: "I’ll never give up! God’s on my side. He loves me, & He’s helping me! I’m going to make it!

----

Instead of concentrating on your problems and getting discouraged, focus on God and meditate on His promises for you. You may have fallen down, but you don't have to stay down. God is ready, willing and able to pick you up.

----

Brother and Sister So & So are not your standard; Jesus is."

----

Woohoo!  Aren't those fantastic!!  Loved them.  Anyway, choose to have a wonderful day, friends!  Run YOUR race, you weren't called to run So & So's race.  Focus on His face, and run YOUR race!! (I know, I totally rhymed just then.  Sweet!)

We'll chat soon..

Starbucks has failed me. Was bound to happen.

It's our little J mans birthday today.  We took him out for dinner tonight and then to Starbucks to get cupcakes.  These are my most favorite cupcakes.  And I had been looking forward to having one alllll day.  REALLLLY looked forward to it.  It is the only "cheat" food that is absolutely worth every last dang calorie and butt dimple.  Every single one.

As you know I have to build myself up for these cheats.  Have to make sure I am in the right frame of mind.  Even though it's a "cheat" I am reworking my brain so that it is not something I see as a possible gorge and/or failure in the "diet" department, but rather, something I see as nothing more than a nice treat.  I eat it, I enjoy it, I'm done with it.  I don't crave 40 more (which would be divine, and I could totally do it), I am fine with one.  Satisfied.  It's all about where I am spiritually.  Trying to get to a place where I don't look to food to satisfy any emotional need. It's a struggle for me in the purest form of hell.

Anyhoo..I was so excited for this cupcake.  I had gotten to a place where I was ready to eat it.  It was going to be a nice moment for the family because the kids had not had one yet.  It was to be their first time.  And they have wanted one for a long time.  I was excited because I was ready to eat it without feeling guilty, or like a failure, or like I wanted 40 more.  I was just primed and ready.  YAY!  GO ME!  RAH!  No.  Epic fail incoming. 

We drive up to Starbucks.  From the parking spot I can see the goody case.  And the cupcake plate is empty.  I say, "Babe, that plate had BETTER not really be empty, cuz it LOOKS EMPTY."  (my mood begins to change).    Chris says, "I'm sure they have some babe."  Mmhmm, I'm a chubby girl who loves cupcakes.  I can clearly see when there ARE and ARENT cupcakes.  I have cupcake radar.  But, we go in. 

I walk up..they say, 'Hi! What can we get for you?"  in their normal beautiful, wonderful, caring, sweet Starbucks employee selves (I LOVE the SBUCKS employees.  They are seriously stellar, even though they failed me tonight.) 

I say, "Please tell me that you have more cupcakes in the back." (hairs beginning to raise on the back of my neck.) 

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, we're out." 

"Ok, thanks.  Let's go guys." 

As I am half way out the door, Chris (who is still standing at the goody case) says, "Babe, they have Cranberry Bliss Bars, want one of those?" 

I say, "NO, Bliss Bars are for Christmas.  This is CUPCAKE season." and I leave. 

The kids are close behind me, also peeved.   Chris is now outside as well, I open the car door, get into my seat in a huff and scream at the top of my lungs.

**Sidenote:  I realize that I am being totally irational, infantile, and completely stupid.  I get it.**

One of the kids in the back seat starts yelling too..they can't hold a candle to Momma, they quit.  I bury my head in my hands and maniacly quietly laugh and cry.

**Sidenote #2: My son threw a fit much like this at Red Robin a few years back after he didn't get a balloon.  He was 6.  He got spanked.**

Chris: "Babe, want me to go to another Starbucks?"
Sarah: ....silence....(head still in hands, still laughing silently, tears flowing)
Chris: "Babe, you have GOT to pull it together." (he is laughing so hard he's crying)
J: Daddy, She's upset, don't laugh at her.  It's not nice.
A: laughing so hard she can't breath, but keeping it quiet.
Sarah: "I AM TRYING to pull it together, just give me a moment."
Chris: "Babe, want me to go to another Starbucks?"
Sarah: "NO, I cannot take another failure."
Chris, "Babe, where do you want to go?  Soon you won't have another choice except Paul's (grocery store offering crappy desserts). *he's still laughing
Sarah: .....silence....

**Sidenote #3: So many things going through my brain..the enemy telling me to forget it all.  It's all ruined.  Just screw it.  Go eat everything I can find.  The Lord telling me, "Breathe, daughter.  Daddy loves you.  It's just a set back.  Let's work through this.  Let Daddy help.  Breathe, princess, just breathe."  Sarah saying, "I hate Paul's desserts.  Why even have one...I'm at the point where I just want to bash something into a million pieces.  Just to get the rage out.  But, it's not rage.  It's a battle.  A battle between the old me and the new me.  And, just like lastnight..Daddy and I won.  Tonight was MUCH more intense.  But, we won.**

While I am trying to calm down, head still in hands, etc., Chris starts singing and humming along to some song from Air1 (Christian radio) that says "aaaaaah aaaaah, wanna get out of here."

I'm like, "It would be VERY helpful if you would STOP singing a song with lyrics that directly identify with my feelings right now.  That is the song they will play when I'm stuck in the padded room!!"

He laughs again.  I laugh.  I bring my head up and out from my hands.  I breathe.  I'm ok. (time elapsed on hissy fit: 5 minutes..felt like 5 days)

So, anyway, we end up going to Paul's.  I'm still coming down from the nasty battle.  But, it's getting better.  Ash stays with me and we find something that we both want.  We eat Ice Cream Drumsticks.  They are 310 calories a piece.  More than I usually like to have for a snack.  But, a good "cheat".  I am happy with it.  Truly happy.  And I enjoy it without reservation.  I enjoy it without longing for the rest of the box.  I enjoy it without looking to it for my comfort.  I enjoy it without it being the source of my joy.  Thank you, Jesus.

Who knew that a simple cupcake could cause such extreme havoc in my life?  Baby steps people.  Baby steps.

I'm feeling good now. :)  I tell you what..going through this journey of losing weight the right way, focusing on the spirit instead of the pounds is friggen hard work.  But, the Lord is SO faithful.  He is there every step of the way.  Whether I'm throwing an absolutely friggen embarassing fit, or whether I'm dancing in joy..He is there.  He's promised He will never leave us and He holds true to that promise.

I love my Father God.  And, He loves me.  His banner over me declares "LOVE!" to the world.  And, I love my family.  My crazy silly loving family who is right there with me through it all.  Encouraging, loving, laughing..my family is a blessing.

I still want a cupcake.

To Gorge, Or Not To Gorge..

Fighting the urge to gorge on anything I can get my hands on today.  It's been awhile since I've had a struggle this intense.  Awhile as in a week or so.  Which is really good for me since I used to gorge on something almost daily.  And the choice to walk away from that "control" has been a serious test of will.

I had hit a plateau in the weight loss once I started adding in weights.  Had been at 154 for 3 weeks I think.  But, my body was/is still shrinking so I knew I was doin ok.  And then this morning I went in and had finally gotten down to 153 from 154.  I was super excited to break through the barrier..but then about an hour later the little gorging demon started chiming in.  And then he brought friends.  And they brought friends.  But I brought the Ultimate Friend.  And with my Daddy God's help, not only did I not give into the gorge, I actually ate less than normal.  So, as the Bible says: "GET BEHIND ME SATAN!"  I'm not foolin around with that dude anymore.  He had his fun with me for long enough.  In every situation we have a choice.  I'm choosing to move forward, eyes firmly focused on the prize.

Love you!

We'll chat soon..

Here is another update on Abby:

Dear Friends & Family,




Gayle told us that the surgeon decided to hold off on doing the surgery on Abby's intestine for now. He put a tube into her abdomen to drain fluid, and he's hoping the hole in her intestine will heal by itself. She's currently being fed by IV, bypassing her digestive tract. Please keep her in prayer about all of this.



Thanks to everyone who is faithfully praying for this family, and sending encouraging notes.



Love,

Brenda
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Update on one of the triplets, and Uncle John

Hey, all!  The excitement never ceases around here. :)  Please keep Abby and the rest of the family in your prayers today.  I believe all of the girls are on and off of ventilators at this point, which is not uncommon.  They have good days and bad days, also not uncommon.  Here is the update from this morning:

Hi Everyone,

We just got this urgent prayer request from our sister-in-law, Jill.  Please pray for Abby.

"We just got a call from Jackie.  Abby seems to have a small hole in her intestine, so she will be going in for surgery this morning to repair the hole.  She looks good so the doctors feel that they caught it early and this seems to be a fairly common occurrence with preemies.  Al and Jackie will call us later to let us know how it goes.  They are on their way to church.  Bert and Gayle asked them to go to church so they can be praying, while Gayle and Bert are going to the hospital.  Thanks for your prayers!"

Love,

Brenda and Perry

------------------------------------

In other news my Uncle John passed away this morning.  My Dad was able to lead him to the Lord before he slipped into a coma a few days later.  We are SO thankful for that!  And then last night Dad was able to lead John’s wife, Nina, to the Lord as well.  So, God is on the move!  They are probably in the process of talking to Gramma about his passing right now.  So if you could please keep her in your prayers.  She has great peace that he finally accepted Christ, but doesn’t know yet of his passing.  Also, please keep Dad in your prayers (and Mom, too!), they’ve got a lot of stress right now between this situation and Gayle and other things as well.  They both sounded great this morning, so that was encouraging.  Dad says that this is a day for rejoicing because the Father has 2 more people  who have accepted His son.  And, this is so very true!  Also, Mom and Dad are flying down to TX tomorrow to be with John’s wife Nina.  Dad will have a chance to talk with Uncle John’s daughter, Amy, as well as my other Uncle David.  He hopes to be able to lead them to the Lord as well.  So, sad news in that Uncle John passed, but wonderful news in that God has (as always) turned this sad situation into one of rejoicing.  Dad says, for the first time, Uncle John is at peace.  What a joy that is.

Thanks for your continued prayers, we love and appreciate you! 

OK my Homeschoolin Mama friends!  I have a question. 

As many of you know we started homeschooling J this year after a teacher straight from the deepest pit of Hades made contact with Momma Bear.  We chose Connections Academy for him.  And, minus a few hiccups, which were to be expected, we love it.

Here's the question...A will join us for homeschool after she is done with this "year" of school.  She will be going into 9th grade.  High School.  Ok, I said the question was up there, but it's not.  It's here:

Which program should I choose?

1. Connections Academy
2. ISucceed Virtual Academy

I've heard some good things about IS, but their program looks, umm, boring?  Just kinda plain white, no excitement or color.  Ash and I like to be visually stimulated.  I'm not sure this would be the best option for her, because of that.  Also it doesn't seem as easy to navigate as CA is.  BUT, I have heard that they (IS) have a lot more online support and Live Lessons than does CA.  So that could be a huge plus. 

Then we have CA..I already know how to navigate it, because we have J in it.  It's colorful, it's pretty.  It's very straight forward and gives lots of help.  Also has LiveLessons and a 24/7 Math help website.  Big plus.  But, as far as I can tell, it doesn't offer as many extra programs as IS does.

Do any of you know anything about either of these programs at the High School level?

*I'm not interested in doing any other form of Homeschooling.  Although I would love to be able to say I could be accountable on my own and juggle lesson plans, etc., I can't.  Correction:  YES, I COULD.  But I would also probably become an alcholic and go absolutely insane and require hospitalization.  SO, these two are my top choices.  I know there is also The Idaho Virtual Academy..but I just don't want that program, not real sure why.  Just don't.

Another question...I would like to get some extra Christian material for the kids.  Maybe a Bible Study type thing we could all do together.  Nothing that needs to be turned in to anyone or graded, just a great study that we could do daily throughout the year..maybe ones that come with workbooks.

We'll chat soon..

Email from Gayle re: the babies!

Here is this mornings update from Gayle on the babies!

Wow!!! I'm a mother times three.  It's a bit surreal right now that I dont have babies in my belly anymore.  My contractions this afternoon picked up in frequency and pain level despite heavy medication and valiant efforts by the doctors here, who are considered the best in the world at dealing with multiples and preemies.  I was fully dilated so I had to have an emergency c-section. They were born at 24 weeks, 6 days. 

Abigail Grace was born at 4:54 pm MST at 1lb5oz

Isabella Pearl was born at 4:55 pm at 1lbs 8oz 

Simone Renee at 4:56 pm at 1lbs7oz

They were only able to measure one in the craziness... But they estimate they are all about 12 inches.  17 nurses and doctors were in OR and baby room next door during the quick reaction c-section.

So far they are hanging in there.  They are most concerned about Isabella and believe that she is the one who lost amniotic fluid when I abrupted back on Jan. 11th because her fluid was murky.  They are making no promises and told us to take it day by day. But our God is powerful and these girls are fighters.  They guesstimate they will probably be in the NICU until the so called due date, which is June 2nd.

I'm recovering, but have a fever and high blood pressure.  We are praying that my body will respond quickly to get these under control.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

We are praising the Lord that they have made it thus far.  A couple of nurses who were here with me back when I abrupted admitted to me recently that they gave my pregnancy little chance of continuing back at week 20.  They continue to be our miracle girls.

Much thanks and gratitude... God bless,

Gayle  
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And here is an email from Brenda this morning regarding Gayle:

Perry talked with his dad this morning (9:00pm Tuesday), and learned a few details.  The girls' names are Abigail, Isabella and Simone.  Isabella is having some difficulties breathing on her own, so she is now on a ventilator.  Please pray for strength for each of the babies.  They are good size for their age:  1lb. 5oz., 1lb. 7oz., and 1lb. 8oz.  However, that is still very small, and they have just begun a new journey toward strength and health 'on the outside'.  Gayle is also having some high blood pressure issues. 

Please continue to lift this precious family before God's throne today.  Thank you so much.

Love,

Brenda

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We'll chat soon ..

Oopsy ..  I sorta kinda was cleaning out the list of blogs I follow and deleted some that I didin't mean to.  If it was you, please tell me!!! 

3 Angels have arrived!

Here is the latest update on the Gayle situation!  As many of you know she has been pregnant with triplets and has been experiencing serious problems since week 19.  I believe she was getting ready to start her 25th week.  Anyway, many prayers have gone out and I'm happy to give this report, just in!

Hi Everyone,

We're happy to tell you that Gayle and Bertrand's three daughters have arrived safely!!!! Praise the Lord for this!  I don't have a lot of info yet, but they were each breathing on their own! Each girl has a team of four taking care of her.  I may not have the spellings of their names right yet, but here they are: Abigail (Abby - Baby A), Isabella (Bella - Baby B), and Cimone (Baby C).  Of course, please continue praying for them all, including their Mom. Praise the Lord for His hand of protection on their lives.

Love,

Aunt Brenda and Uncle Perry
 
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Please, continue to pray for these little miracle babies as they press on towards the goal of a long and wonderful life!


We'll chat soon..

Monkey Bars

I'll be honest.  I had no idea why I wrote the Title as Monkey Bars.  It just came to mind.  And then as I sat quiet for a moment and visualized myself on Monkey Bars it became more clear.

The act of using Monkey bars requires a few things. 

-Climbing a small ladder

-Leaning out to take hold of the first bar

-Letting go of the ladder as you swing to the next bar

-Keeping focus on the finish line (looking UP)

-Not looking back

-You can't do it with only one arm - you must give it full attention

-Keeping your feet up off of the ground so they don't drag

-The will to finish

Yep, now I can TOTALLY see why Monkey Bars popped into my head.  Thank you, Jesus, for that sweet little nugget!

Ooh and a verse just popped into my head!  Goes along with the Monkey Bars perfectly..

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. 
~Philippians 3:13-14 The Message

YAHOO!!  Make it a great day, no reason not to.  It's, afterall, all up to you! Love you.

We'll chat soon..oh..and no, that's not me in the picture. ;)

Turks and Caicos, take me away!

Ok, forget Fiji..I've moved on to Turks and Caicos. Here are a few photos that will help you join me in my NEED for Turks and Caicos!!!

This is where I will take walks with my sweetie:

And this is where my sweetie and I will have massages:

And this is where my sweetie and I will enjoy nice cool drinks:

Ok, I still want to go to Fiji super bad.  But, Turks and Caicos can be my first stop on the way to Fiji :)

Happy Saturday!

The weight of control

So, there I was..being my usual sarcastic self..and wow, did it produce!  I was kidding around with my buddy that he should write a blog about me (he didn't have anything to write about, so didn't feel like blogging).  Before I knew it, he had actually done it!  Blogged about lil ol' me!  It was the sweetest thing ever.  Just what I needed!  Fun :)  Thanks, Mike, you are such a blessing to me.

I haven't updated you on my weight junk lately, so..after Christmas I was 167.  I think it was 3 weeks ago that we started and I was at 160 (had already lost the Christmas weight).  Today I am 154.  I'm getting there!  My target is somewhere between 135 and 140..I won't really know where I want to stop till I see what I look like then.  I don't want to be all skin and bones.  I have a tendancy to be one or the other..way too skinny, or chubby.  Not good with that grey area.  I know, go figure..me?  Not good with the grey area?  LOL  We're not crash dieting, just changing our eating and adding in workouts.  So it's more of a complete change of life for us.  Even though we ate really pretty healthily before, our portions were insane.  And we had desserts almost every night.  And the whole work out thing?  I don't like community sweat.  BUT, this gym out here is so full of NORMAL people, it's fabulous.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself with the gym talk..

Anyhoo..as I told you, the weight issue is not just a matter of pounds for me..it's emotional.  And, as I grow in spirit and shrink in size, more and more comes to the surface.  I'm dealing with so many ghosts of the past.  Doesn't make for a stable Sarah!  I'll share with you some of the things I am dealing with, because I've had many people ask.  Why they ask, not sure..I guess it's just interesting for some reason or another.

When I was a kid, I was always super skinny and very tall.  People would react to me in two different ways..wow, you are beautiful..so skinny and tall.  Such long legs.  I wish I had long legs like you!  I wish I could eat like you and not gain weight!  Wow, you just say you want to lose 5 pounds and bam, you've done it!..............................

Or...

You've got chicken legs (insert bawking sounds), you're soooo skinny, your ankles are so boney.  If you turn sideways we wouldn't be able to see you.........................

blah blah blah blah

So, because of the numerous chicken legs comments, I literally wore shorts umm never.  It wasn't until we moved to Texas in 2003 that I started wearing them again.  It took a major step out of my comfort zone to do that.  But, dang, it's so hot in Texas I didn't ultimately care if I had skin falling off of my bones, I was wearing the flippin shorts!!

The negative comments didn't bother me as much as the "positive" ones.  I didn't want people gawking at me.  I never wanted people looking at my body (which stemmed from other experiences).  I wanted them to look at ME.  It's always, always bothered me how people look at someone and the first thing they will say is "They're fat."  "They're skinny"  "They're beautiful"  "They're ugly"...why is that the FIRST thing?  Can't we look deeper?  Could we get to know someone?  Could we see the beauty that lies beyond the physical?  Of course, I deeply believe that that which lies beyond the physical is manifested ouwardly in the physical.  But, you see where I'm going with that..I hope.

So, it started to become a thing where I just wanted to eat.  I wanted to prove to EVERYONE that I could eat whatever I wanted.  And I noticed that as I gained weight, people quit gawking at me!  They quit constantly talking about how pretty I was.  About how skinny I was (duh)..and I loved it.  Finally, there was silence.  FINALLY, they started to get to know ME instead of just assuming who I would be.  It was great! But, there were still random occasions where someone would say, "I don't know how you do it, Sarah, how you eat all of that and still stay so slim."  It was at those moments that everything in me SCREAMED and I literally wanted to eat EVERYTHING I could get my hands on.  Just to get them to SHUT UP.  And, I usually did.  I'm not talking reality tv show Intervention style where they eat 5 big mac meals and then move on to Taco Bell.  I'm just talking eating an entire family sized bag of M&M's, a snickers, a reeses pb cup king size, a big bopper ice cream sandwich, loads of mashed potatoes, a box of mac n cheese, a can of beans, a 1/4 of a sheetcake...whatever it was, I would eat till I wanted to puke and then eat a few more bites just for good measure.  I never puked.  I just wasn't into that whole deal.  Never interested me.  But, I have always been someone who wants to finish EVERYTHING on my plate, whether it leaves me rithing in pain afterwards or not.  I must finish it.

Ok, so back to the beginning of this saga. I told my friend I'd do this "diet" with her..we aren't doing the same things.  We are just losing together.  And I have another friend who is working out with me..she's in Nevada, I'm in Idaho..but we work out Mon/Wed/Fri and then chat.  It's GREAT!  So, I'm like big deal..the weight's going and it's fine!  Happy go lucky!  But, then the Lord started workin on me.  Like I said in a post a few days back (different context), the heart that is open to receive is never left empty.  Well, He began filling what was once empty.  Because I allowed Him to. 

So..all of these comments that I told you about have been coming to mind.  And then He lovingly asks, "Why did that bother you?"  "Why wasn't it ok for them to say that?"  "What about that made you run and hide?"  "Why didn't you hide in Me, instead of hiding in the food?" "We could have worked on this.  You didn't have to run.  I understand what you are feeling." etc....  Ok, so as I deal with each of those questions for each of the instances it is very emotional.  And, as a result I burst into tears over the stupidest little things that go wrong.  For instance, our menu.  The program is formatted in such a way that Chris and I read the menu date wrong and had the wrong meals one day.  I had worked on putting this menu together for over 2 hours one night.  I was upset it wasn't followed perfectly, that we had "messed it all up".  SO, I have a total infantile breakdown and cry (while laughing..I know, weird..it's a Sarah thing), hunched over, resting my face on my husbands knee while he tries to encourage me. 

It's not about the menu.  It's about the control.  Normally, at this point, I would say, "Forget it, I'm done.  We'll just eat whatever we want."  and then I would go shove my face full of something, just to show my body who's boss.

But, I hear my Jesus, "Daughter.  Princess.  I love you.  Please stop crying.  Look up.  We can fix this.  You are ok.  Everything is ok.  Just breathe.  Be still."  And, as I do that, He begins to walk me through it all.  Why I broke down, where the anxiety is coming from, asking me to give over the control to Him.  And, I do.  Sometimes I have to say, "I give it all to you Lord" 400 times a minute.  Yeah, that's a lot of times.  But, I'm growing.  And, I am finding new joys that I haven't ever had.  Yes, I'm a basket case sometimes.  Yes, sometimes you can just look at me and I will cry.  Yes, sometimes I can't even say a word without crying.  Yes, sometimes I just laugh out of the blue.  Yes, sometimes I get mad and yell over the dumbest things.  BUT!  I am growing.  Thank you, Jesus, I am growing.

We joined a gym on a leap of faith, because the money to join the gym was not there.  One day later I got a call, asking for my help..which results in money for me.  They didn't know that we had just signed a 2 yr contract paying $80/mo and had no money to pay for it.  They just needed my help. And turns out that the money will not only cover the gym membership, but it will also allow me to increase my grocery budget by 120 dollars a month, which is so sorely needed.  Thank you, Jesus.  Your love never, ever fails.  Ever.

We went to the gym for the first time last night.  I made a big step and asked Chris if he would please be my "trainer" and help me with the machines.  And if he would please stick with me, even if I threw a fit and told him I was done and never doing it again (which is what normally happens).  He said, "Of course."  He was so patient with me and we went through each of the machines and did them together.  It was soo nice.  I didn't feel that deep pit of anxiety in my gut that I usually do when we do things like that together. 
(And, by "deep pit of anxiety" I mean the urge to want to slam my car into the building at mach speed over and over.)  Instead, I just felt loved, and accepted, and free.  Free to look stupid.  Free to say it hurts.  Free to go at my own pace.  FREE.

God is doing a great thing in me.  I always love to see the results that come when we give it all to Him.  He is so overwhelmingly capable of fixing every single little thing, yet we continue to fight Him.  Insistant on doing it on our own.  Silly.  Silly humans.  I'm glad I'm doing it His way :)

I know many of you are on the weight loss journey right now, too.  My word of encouragement to you is:  Keep on moving.  Keep your eye on the finish line.  Keep your eyes on Him.  Don't accept failure, accept freedom.  It's yours for the taking.  Love you

Isaiah 40:31

We'll chat soon..

My new favorite song

I just love her voice...




Be Still
Kari Jobe

He is here for the broken and life to the one who is undone
He is peace to the wounded and hope for the helpless one
He is here, He is here

Be still my soul, be still
Be still my soul, be still
Wait patiently upon the Lord
Be still my soul, be still

When the waves rise against me and the wind tries to draw me away
I will stand on the mountain, safe in Your arms I will sing I will sing

Be still my soul, be still
Be still my soul, be still
Wait patiently upon the Lord
Be still my soul, be still

Be still I know He is God
He is here, He is here
Be still I know He is God
He is here, He is here

So be still my soul, be still
Be still my soul, be still
Wait patiently upon the Lord
Be still my soul, be still
Wait patiently upon the Lord
Be still my soul, be still