As you know I have to build myself up for these cheats. Have to make sure I am in the right frame of mind. Even though it's a "cheat" I am reworking my brain so that it is not something I see as a possible gorge and/or failure in the "diet" department, but rather, something I see as nothing more than a nice treat. I eat it, I enjoy it, I'm done with it. I don't crave 40 more (which would be divine, and I could totally do it), I am fine with one. Satisfied. It's all about where I am spiritually. Trying to get to a place where I don't look to food to satisfy any emotional need. It's a struggle for me in the purest form of hell.
Anyhoo..I was so excited for this cupcake. I had gotten to a place where I was ready to eat it. It was going to be a nice moment for the family because the kids had not had one yet. It was to be their first time. And they have wanted one for a long time. I was excited because I was ready to eat it without feeling guilty, or like a failure, or like I wanted 40 more. I was just primed and ready. YAY! GO ME! RAH! No. Epic fail incoming.
We drive up to Starbucks. From the parking spot I can see the goody case. And the cupcake plate is empty. I say, "Babe, that plate had BETTER not really be empty, cuz it LOOKS EMPTY." (my mood begins to change). Chris says, "I'm sure they have some babe." Mmhmm, I'm a chubby girl who loves cupcakes. I can clearly see when there ARE and ARENT cupcakes. I have cupcake radar. But, we go in.
I walk up..they say, 'Hi! What can we get for you?" in their normal beautiful, wonderful, caring, sweet Starbucks employee selves (I LOVE the SBUCKS employees. They are seriously stellar, even though they failed me tonight.)
I say, "Please tell me that you have more cupcakes in the back." (hairs beginning to raise on the back of my neck.)
"Oh, no, I'm sorry, we're out."
"Ok, thanks. Let's go guys."
As I am half way out the door, Chris (who is still standing at the goody case) says, "Babe, they have Cranberry Bliss Bars, want one of those?"
I say, "NO, Bliss Bars are for Christmas. This is CUPCAKE season." and I leave.
The kids are close behind me, also peeved. Chris is now outside as well, I open the car door, get into my seat in a huff and scream at the top of my lungs.
**Sidenote: I realize that I am being totally irational, infantile, and completely stupid. I get it.**
One of the kids in the back seat starts yelling too..they can't hold a candle to Momma, they quit. I bury my head in my hands and
**Sidenote #2: My son threw a fit much like this at Red Robin a few years back after he didn't get a balloon. He was 6. He got spanked.**
Chris: "Babe, want me to go to another Starbucks?"
Sarah: ....silence....(head still in hands, still laughing silently, tears flowing)
Chris: "Babe, you have GOT to pull it together." (he is laughing so hard he's crying)
J: Daddy, She's upset, don't laugh at her. It's not nice.
A: laughing so hard she can't breath, but keeping it quiet.
Sarah: "I AM TRYING to pull it together, just give me a moment."
Chris: "Babe, want me to go to another Starbucks?"
Sarah: "NO, I cannot take another failure."
Chris, "Babe, where do you want to go? Soon you won't have another choice except Paul's (grocery store offering crappy desserts). *he's still laughing
**Sidenote #3: So many things going through my brain..the enemy telling me to forget it all. It's all ruined. Just screw it. Go eat everything I can find. The Lord telling me, "Breathe, daughter. Daddy loves you. It's just a set back. Let's work through this. Let Daddy help. Breathe, princess, just breathe." Sarah saying, "I hate Paul's desserts. Why even have one...I'm at the point where I just want to bash something into a million pieces. Just to get the rage out. But, it's not rage. It's a battle. A battle between the old me and the new me. And, just like lastnight..Daddy and I won. Tonight was MUCH more intense. But, we won.**
While I am trying to calm down, head still in hands, etc., Chris starts singing and humming along to some song from Air1 (Christian radio) that says "aaaaaah aaaaah, wanna get out of here."
I'm like, "It would be VERY helpful if you would STOP singing a song with lyrics that directly identify with my feelings right now. That is the song they will play when I'm stuck in the padded room!!"
He laughs again. I laugh. I bring my head up and out from my hands. I breathe. I'm ok. (time elapsed on hissy fit: 5 minutes..felt like 5 days)
So, anyway, we end up going to Paul's. I'm still coming down from the nasty battle. But, it's getting better. Ash stays with me and we find something that we both want. We eat Ice Cream Drumsticks. They are 310 calories a piece. More than I usually like to have for a snack. But, a good "cheat". I am happy with it. Truly happy. And I enjoy it without reservation. I enjoy it without longing for the rest of the box. I enjoy it without looking to it for my comfort. I enjoy it without it being the source of my joy. Thank you, Jesus.
Who knew that a simple cupcake could cause such extreme havoc in my life? Baby steps people. Baby steps.
I'm feeling good now. :) I tell you what..going through this journey of losing weight the right way, focusing on the spirit instead of the pounds is friggen hard work. But, the Lord is SO faithful. He is there every step of the way. Whether I'm throwing an absolutely friggen embarassing fit, or whether I'm dancing in joy..He is there. He's promised He will never leave us and He holds true to that promise.
I love my Father God. And, He loves me. His banner over me declares "LOVE!" to the world. And, I love my family. My crazy silly loving family who is right there with me through it all. Encouraging, loving, laughing..my family is a blessing.
I still want a cupcake.