The weight of control

So, there I was..being my usual sarcastic self..and wow, did it produce!  I was kidding around with my buddy that he should write a blog about me (he didn't have anything to write about, so didn't feel like blogging).  Before I knew it, he had actually done it!  Blogged about lil ol' me!  It was the sweetest thing ever.  Just what I needed!  Fun :)  Thanks, Mike, you are such a blessing to me.

I haven't updated you on my weight junk lately, so..after Christmas I was 167.  I think it was 3 weeks ago that we started and I was at 160 (had already lost the Christmas weight).  Today I am 154.  I'm getting there!  My target is somewhere between 135 and 140..I won't really know where I want to stop till I see what I look like then.  I don't want to be all skin and bones.  I have a tendancy to be one or the other..way too skinny, or chubby.  Not good with that grey area.  I know, go figure..me?  Not good with the grey area?  LOL  We're not crash dieting, just changing our eating and adding in workouts.  So it's more of a complete change of life for us.  Even though we ate really pretty healthily before, our portions were insane.  And we had desserts almost every night.  And the whole work out thing?  I don't like community sweat.  BUT, this gym out here is so full of NORMAL people, it's fabulous.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself with the gym talk..

Anyhoo..as I told you, the weight issue is not just a matter of pounds for me..it's emotional.  And, as I grow in spirit and shrink in size, more and more comes to the surface.  I'm dealing with so many ghosts of the past.  Doesn't make for a stable Sarah!  I'll share with you some of the things I am dealing with, because I've had many people ask.  Why they ask, not sure..I guess it's just interesting for some reason or another.

When I was a kid, I was always super skinny and very tall.  People would react to me in two different ways..wow, you are beautiful..so skinny and tall.  Such long legs.  I wish I had long legs like you!  I wish I could eat like you and not gain weight!  Wow, you just say you want to lose 5 pounds and bam, you've done it!..............................

Or...

You've got chicken legs (insert bawking sounds), you're soooo skinny, your ankles are so boney.  If you turn sideways we wouldn't be able to see you.........................

blah blah blah blah

So, because of the numerous chicken legs comments, I literally wore shorts umm never.  It wasn't until we moved to Texas in 2003 that I started wearing them again.  It took a major step out of my comfort zone to do that.  But, dang, it's so hot in Texas I didn't ultimately care if I had skin falling off of my bones, I was wearing the flippin shorts!!

The negative comments didn't bother me as much as the "positive" ones.  I didn't want people gawking at me.  I never wanted people looking at my body (which stemmed from other experiences).  I wanted them to look at ME.  It's always, always bothered me how people look at someone and the first thing they will say is "They're fat."  "They're skinny"  "They're beautiful"  "They're ugly"...why is that the FIRST thing?  Can't we look deeper?  Could we get to know someone?  Could we see the beauty that lies beyond the physical?  Of course, I deeply believe that that which lies beyond the physical is manifested ouwardly in the physical.  But, you see where I'm going with that..I hope.

So, it started to become a thing where I just wanted to eat.  I wanted to prove to EVERYONE that I could eat whatever I wanted.  And I noticed that as I gained weight, people quit gawking at me!  They quit constantly talking about how pretty I was.  About how skinny I was (duh)..and I loved it.  Finally, there was silence.  FINALLY, they started to get to know ME instead of just assuming who I would be.  It was great! But, there were still random occasions where someone would say, "I don't know how you do it, Sarah, how you eat all of that and still stay so slim."  It was at those moments that everything in me SCREAMED and I literally wanted to eat EVERYTHING I could get my hands on.  Just to get them to SHUT UP.  And, I usually did.  I'm not talking reality tv show Intervention style where they eat 5 big mac meals and then move on to Taco Bell.  I'm just talking eating an entire family sized bag of M&M's, a snickers, a reeses pb cup king size, a big bopper ice cream sandwich, loads of mashed potatoes, a box of mac n cheese, a can of beans, a 1/4 of a sheetcake...whatever it was, I would eat till I wanted to puke and then eat a few more bites just for good measure.  I never puked.  I just wasn't into that whole deal.  Never interested me.  But, I have always been someone who wants to finish EVERYTHING on my plate, whether it leaves me rithing in pain afterwards or not.  I must finish it.

Ok, so back to the beginning of this saga. I told my friend I'd do this "diet" with her..we aren't doing the same things.  We are just losing together.  And I have another friend who is working out with me..she's in Nevada, I'm in Idaho..but we work out Mon/Wed/Fri and then chat.  It's GREAT!  So, I'm like big deal..the weight's going and it's fine!  Happy go lucky!  But, then the Lord started workin on me.  Like I said in a post a few days back (different context), the heart that is open to receive is never left empty.  Well, He began filling what was once empty.  Because I allowed Him to. 

So..all of these comments that I told you about have been coming to mind.  And then He lovingly asks, "Why did that bother you?"  "Why wasn't it ok for them to say that?"  "What about that made you run and hide?"  "Why didn't you hide in Me, instead of hiding in the food?" "We could have worked on this.  You didn't have to run.  I understand what you are feeling." etc....  Ok, so as I deal with each of those questions for each of the instances it is very emotional.  And, as a result I burst into tears over the stupidest little things that go wrong.  For instance, our menu.  The program is formatted in such a way that Chris and I read the menu date wrong and had the wrong meals one day.  I had worked on putting this menu together for over 2 hours one night.  I was upset it wasn't followed perfectly, that we had "messed it all up".  SO, I have a total infantile breakdown and cry (while laughing..I know, weird..it's a Sarah thing), hunched over, resting my face on my husbands knee while he tries to encourage me. 

It's not about the menu.  It's about the control.  Normally, at this point, I would say, "Forget it, I'm done.  We'll just eat whatever we want."  and then I would go shove my face full of something, just to show my body who's boss.

But, I hear my Jesus, "Daughter.  Princess.  I love you.  Please stop crying.  Look up.  We can fix this.  You are ok.  Everything is ok.  Just breathe.  Be still."  And, as I do that, He begins to walk me through it all.  Why I broke down, where the anxiety is coming from, asking me to give over the control to Him.  And, I do.  Sometimes I have to say, "I give it all to you Lord" 400 times a minute.  Yeah, that's a lot of times.  But, I'm growing.  And, I am finding new joys that I haven't ever had.  Yes, I'm a basket case sometimes.  Yes, sometimes you can just look at me and I will cry.  Yes, sometimes I can't even say a word without crying.  Yes, sometimes I just laugh out of the blue.  Yes, sometimes I get mad and yell over the dumbest things.  BUT!  I am growing.  Thank you, Jesus, I am growing.

We joined a gym on a leap of faith, because the money to join the gym was not there.  One day later I got a call, asking for my help..which results in money for me.  They didn't know that we had just signed a 2 yr contract paying $80/mo and had no money to pay for it.  They just needed my help. And turns out that the money will not only cover the gym membership, but it will also allow me to increase my grocery budget by 120 dollars a month, which is so sorely needed.  Thank you, Jesus.  Your love never, ever fails.  Ever.

We went to the gym for the first time last night.  I made a big step and asked Chris if he would please be my "trainer" and help me with the machines.  And if he would please stick with me, even if I threw a fit and told him I was done and never doing it again (which is what normally happens).  He said, "Of course."  He was so patient with me and we went through each of the machines and did them together.  It was soo nice.  I didn't feel that deep pit of anxiety in my gut that I usually do when we do things like that together. 
(And, by "deep pit of anxiety" I mean the urge to want to slam my car into the building at mach speed over and over.)  Instead, I just felt loved, and accepted, and free.  Free to look stupid.  Free to say it hurts.  Free to go at my own pace.  FREE.

God is doing a great thing in me.  I always love to see the results that come when we give it all to Him.  He is so overwhelmingly capable of fixing every single little thing, yet we continue to fight Him.  Insistant on doing it on our own.  Silly.  Silly humans.  I'm glad I'm doing it His way :)

I know many of you are on the weight loss journey right now, too.  My word of encouragement to you is:  Keep on moving.  Keep your eye on the finish line.  Keep your eyes on Him.  Don't accept failure, accept freedom.  It's yours for the taking.  Love you

Isaiah 40:31

We'll chat soon..