Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I don't know what to put here..maybe, "Learning to trust"

Well, it was an interesting week..yeah, I realize it's only Tuesday.  shh.  It's been a long one.  And I'm counting in the end of last week too.  So it's, like, almost a week..sort of.

Have you ever worked so hard at changing your life and then had something pop up that threatened to take it all away?  That's how I felt this week.  That I've poured everything into making my life new..new in Christ.  Building up this amazing family that I have.  A wonderful marriage and friendship with my husband.  And then in an instant, poof..it could be gone.  Now, could that literally happen in this situation?  No.  Not at all.  It would hurt friendships and future moves, but it would not destroy my life.  But my mind that likes to run wild enjoys taking me for a ride on the "what if" train.  And sadly, I keep buying the ticket for that ride.  And then when I have to later jump off the fast moving train, it hurts.  But, Daddy is always there to clean up my scrapes and tuck me under His wing.  Anyway..on with the lame drama..

I don't want ANYTHING threatening my family or the life we've built.  And I will do anything to keep that from happening.  I am super protective over what we have.  And get infuriated when anything even comes close to threatening it.  I know what it's like to lose it all and I never want that to happen again.  So, something came up last week and my defenses went up and all week I've been playing the game of, "Lord would you REALLY let that happen? Why can't I just be done with this?  Will there ever be a point where this stops popping up?  Is it REALLY that no matter how far I go, how far removed, or how much I grow that this is always going to be an issue?  Why are you being so mean to me! (I can laugh at that last sentence now.)"

It's not an issue for me emotionally anymore..that was broken long ago.  Which is why it's so flipping frustrating that the Lord just allows it to pop up.  Why?  If I've done what He's said, if I've moved on, if I've climbed that mountain, if I've found deliverance, if I feel free in that deliverance (and I do and am amazed by it daily), then WHY does He allow it to ever surface again?  Not as a temptation, but just as an annoyance.  If I'm truly free (which I am because he who He sets free is free indeed) then why does it  bother me if it pops up?  Why should it matter?  Well, it doesn't.  Not in the way it used to.  But, it matters to my family.  If you mess with my family, there is no second chance.  If I've cut ties with you, you are no longer allowed in my life, or in anyone elses life that has to do with me.  Selfish?  Yup.  Childish? Yup.  Irrational?  Yup.  Totally lame and without merit?  Undecided.

Anyway, I guess maybe the lesson in all of it is my continuing lesson in control.  I hate to even type that word.  "Control"  What a hideous word.  So..is it ME that controls whether these things pop up?  (super long sentence incoming -->)Is all of the avoiding areas and people and whatever else in order to keep from being approached nothing more than a stupid human attempt at controlling a situation that really can only be controlled by the Lord?  Yes.  Sure is.  And I'd like to say that I find comfort in the false human style control.  But I don't.  I HATE having to avoid places.  But..why do I?  What would really happen?  Nothing.  That's what.  Absolutely nothing.  Except for a situation that I wouldn't have complete control over.  Then again, I would.  Because in letting the Lord have control, I also live under that covering.  And He will not take me anywhere where He can't be with me.  And He will not put me in a situation that is beyond what I can handle.  So, I need to learn to trust.  Trust that He can handle ALL things, not just the little things like food in the cupboard (ok sometimes that's a big thing).  Nothing is too big for Him.

So..my trust walk and my letting go of control walk are both growing..and I don't really enjoy the growing.  Not when it's in situations that I haven't approved of.  LOL!!  But, I can't ever expect to be stronger in my walk with Him if I can only trust Him in situations that make sense to me.  In situations that I'm ok with.  I have to stretch.  And this week I stretched (maybe too far and might have pulled something).  And was given relief by the end of this afternoon.   Thank you, Jesus, for proving to me yet again that You ARE in control.  That You DO have my best interest at heart.  That your future for me IS wonderful.  And nothing can hurt that which You have brought together for good.  I can have faith in You and trust You completely in everything, big and small.  Your yoke is easy and Your burden light.  If I start to get caught up in the BS of life again, I will remember that stress and anger and resentment and worry and fear are NOT FROM YOU.

Val, thanks for hearing me yell at the top of my lungs and for pushing me by asking "WHY" ..and making me wade through the crap until I found the Light.  Love you!

We'll chat soon..here's a song I love.  Addicted to the whole CD at the moment..


  1. *High Five!!* Wink * Hug*
    I get it. Oddly, (cuz, you are!) I get YOU and even more, I get that blog...Sadly, on my own part, I think that I'm going to relate to that blog for a long time but GRACIOUSLY, in my relation to it, I will be able to have one heck of a road marker from there to where the Lord will take me, and likewise with you.
    You have worked so hard and done so well to create a new life for your family and in the Lord. You are a strong, wise woman whom I admire and respect very much. Your hard work and dedication has paid off and you have been greatly blessed by your Daddy. You've come a long ways, baby!

  2. Thank you. Means a lot to hear that from you, when you could have viewed me in a much different light. Thanks for seeing beyond the BS of the moment into what you knew I could become.

    Here's to our continued growth! And..as far as our hike (that will likely kill me but not as much as it killed me last year), how about this Sunday (25th)? Do me a favor..don't surprise me by bringing Swede. I can't handle it. LOL