Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I'm a ball of emotions tonight. Part of me is so joyous I almost can't really fathom that this joy has really returned to me. I think I had pretty much locked this part of me away because losing it was just so hard for me. And the other part of me is hurt and violated and angry and raw.
We have had a horrible year with my sons teacher. She refused to communicate with us. Last night we finally met her for the first time. We were so upset when we left there. I couldn't even put a thought together. OK, I had plenty of thoughts, but not many that I should have had. And I felt so horrible for sending my son there, when he belongs here, with me. And, I've always known this..about both children. It took me awhile to get to sleep last night and when I did get to sleep it was restless. I woke up with that still nagging rot in my stomach..kept my son home from school. Thankfully their fall break starts tomorrow, so this is perfect timing for what's happening now.
The whole drive to work I sobbed and cried and just talked to the Lord, asking for His help. I knew that there was no way, but that HE could make a way. I asked for a window, a door, a crack, a crevice..any way that I could get out. I asked of Him that today would be the day..I've prayed those words so many times over the last umpteen years. I can't even tell you how many times. "Please Father, let today be the day. I can't do this on my own, but I know that through You I can do all things. You never forsake me. You never leave me. You know every hair on my head. You know my every hurt and you feel it right here with me. I am your servant. Show me Your face Lord. You make a way where there is no way. I know all things happen in your perfect timing Lord, but I'm having a really hard time grasping your reasoning for waiting. Regardless, I trust you. I know you are my Provider. You care for me. You give your angels charge over me. Please Father, let today be the day." Anyway...I got to work, still barely holding it together..and throughout the day just kept praying, "Let today be the day Father."
For those of you who don't know really the ins and outs of my/our families past you are probably wondering why the heck I'm freaking out over a parent teacher conference. Please know that the conference has little to do with it..and at the same time, it has everything to do with it. To make a long story short, I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I hate being away from home and my kids' behavior shows how much they hate Mom being away from home. I never planned on being a Mom or a wife, but I am. And I have allowed myself to love it..there is truely nothing I have enjoyed more than being a wife and a mom. I've known that my kids were never to be in public school. That they were to be with me. But that hasn't been the case. We've had "sign" after sign that they need to be home..My husband and I have had very different views on this. But he has been slowly changing his position, which only encourages me to continue my prayer:
"Please Father, let today be the day."
As many of you probably don't know, because I've kept it quiet for many reasons, I have been looking for a new job. Every job I find is not working with where I know the Lord wants me to be. I needed something temporary because the kids are going to be home schooled next year and at that time I would need to stay home or find something with different hours.
If you've read "back issue" blogs you know that I asked for prayer..that my goal was for me to stay home all together. That there was no way, but that I knew God could make a way.
Today, He made a way. A way where there was no way. He let today be the day. Today I saw my husband for the first time. The husband I have longed for. The husband the Lord promised for me. The husband I thought I could never love more, I now love and appreciate so much more than I can even describe. The Lord has truely answered my prayers today. Once again, proving that His timing is perfect.
As of November 1st I will be home, where I belong. My son will not return to that school. Ashley is doing wonderfully and will finish this school year where she is at, then start homeschool next year. But, finally, our family will be whole again. I will still be doing a few side jobs, but they will be on my terms and I can take my children with me.
Jaden is over the moon ecstatic with the news of being able to start home school earlier than expected. His eyes got all big and teary when I told him he wouldn't have to go back to that school again. He's already got PE ideas for me :) He didn't deserve the things his teacher did or didn't give him. He is the sweetest most loving and caring boy I've ever met and I refuse to let anyone break his spirit. Whether intentionally or not.
Anyway, I have such tremendous peace. Peace like I haven't had in years. A new peace. I know that I can appreciate this gift so much better now than I would have even 6 months ago. And in that comes His perfect timing.
So, I am soaring on wings of eagles..and at the same time my Mommy heart is hurting over what was said yesterday in the meeting. But you know what? I have to let it go as Chris reminded me tonight. What Jaden will remember from this is that Mommy and Daddy love him and keep him safe and value his needs. And that is what's important.
Well, I guess I just wanted to share with you what's been going on..so that's my story :) The fast we've been on is over as of midnight tonight. And I am so glad that Chris and I took part in it. If not for the fast I would not have been able to see things in my life that seriously needed changing because I would have continued to block it out with the drone of the TV. Its amazing the changes you go through in 30 days of fasting. As Chris was saying on Sunday, our vision is so different when we take our sunglasses/blinders off. It's so much clearer and we can see things for what they really are.
I'm thankful. I'm humbled. I'm loved. I'm at peace.
Love you dearly. Thank you so much to you who I've sent all of my "please pray" texts to over the past month. You will never know how much they have meant to me. Never give up on the desires of your heart. If they line up with the Word of God, they will be yours.
We'll chat soon..
Posted by Sarah at 7:46 PM
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