Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I meant to post yesterday but time ran away from me screaming. I had PTA duties in the morning, then a trip to my dentist so he could file down one of my fillings a little bit, then back home to try to get the pics from camping edited and uploaded to the web album, catching up on emails that needed replies/action..then rushing off to work..u know, the usual.

About halfway through work my boss came out and was helping us pack orders and my brain literally just stopped. I was in mid reach for a box and just stopped. My boss said, "Are you ok?" I said, "No. Not ok at all." She laughed & I smiled, but almost cried (sucked it up cuz it just wasn't the time to start sobbing! LOL). I told her she didn't know the magnitude of what she'd just asked..and then pushed on towards the goal of finishing our deadline. Monday's are really busy and it's not a time for your brain to fail you. It's a time when you zone out and pack furiously! But, I was having a hard time zoning out on anything that wasn't tearing my guts.

See, I got a book on tape, a book that was recommended. The Lovely Bones. I had said that I couldn't read the book, that the excerpt alone was too much for me to handle..that I didn't like to subject my brain to those types of storylines. But, then I saw it on tape and spoke to our librarian and she said she agreed with the others I had spoken to, that it wasn't as graphic as I was thinking and that it was a really touching story. So, I checked it out. (FYI: The reason I was getting a book on tape was b/c it takes me 30 min to drive to work and 30 min to drive home, so I figured I might as well be entertained!)

Then, yesterday, on the way to work, I put it in and got the feeling I should turn it off (the same feeling I had before I checked it out)..but kept on with it. I kept hearing that "still small voice" telling me to turn it off..I kept not listening.

Kept hearing it..kept hearing it..

Then the CD started skipping in parts that were extremely graphic..the "still small voice" started getting a bit more stern..to which I kept responding, "Just a minute Lord, I'm busy right now."

Anyway, as usual, humans are stupid.

I finally did turn it off but not until after I had gone back to a place I didn't want to be. There are things we deal with (sometimes after tons of money in therapy LOL) that need to be left behind. Not dredged up over and over and over.

You know..like an alcoholic shouldn't go sit in bars..former meth addicts shouldn't go sit in a room with meth..basic principals..people who have been sexually abused shouldn't go surround themselves with their sexual abusers just to kick back and chat and have a nifty ol' time together..talking about the "good ol' days".

In being a person who has been sexually violated quite a few times in different ways over the years (who hasn't in one way or another!?), I can forgive the abuser(s) because I choose to, and I can deal with the facts and the whys and all of that. But it only takes a second to get the "feeling" back. That deep ache in the pit of my stomach. I can instantly transport back to the feeling associated with an incident, even if I can't remember specifics. And, then in that comes dealing with another piece of the puzzle, with the Lord's help. Great advice I got from my counselor, Swede, was that you don't continue to rip off a scab because it will never heal that way. You instead tend to it and allow it the time needed to heal. There is a vast difference between dealing with abuse in a healthy way, and ripping the scab off by smothering yourself in the oozing pussing flesh of abuse for "reading pleasure".

Anyway, I now firmly believe that whoever believes this book isn't "that graphic" or "that horrible" or "that bad" has either never been abused and has no concept of the terror involved..or that the person HAS been abused and hasn't dealt with it and is terrifyingly good at detaching.

I am not good at detaching. I've worked extremely hard to NOT be good at detaching.

I'm overwhelmingly in touch with my feelings in that area. And, I think that that's a good thing. I spent enough years shoving it down. And, now that I've come further out in dealing with things (much, much further!) I can say that there is never a moment when the subject matter of sexual abuse gets "not that bad" or "not too graphic" or "not that horrible". IT IS HORRIBLE, IT IS GRAPHIC, IT IS THAT BAD.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say, "I'm completely 100% over my abuse." Because I'm not sure that that is true for anyone. I can say that I have dealt with what's come up, and continue to deal with new things as they arise. I can say that I don't feel dirty anymore, AND believe it. I can say that it wasn't my fault, AND believe it. And, I can say that God is GOOD and has never left my side. Whether I was in the muck and mire or if I was dancing on heavenly clouds, He was always there, holding me through the darkness or dancing with me in the light. And I find great comfort in that.

I have days where I can talk about the abuse and feel fine and I have days when I can talk about the abuse and feel my whole body surge in a queasiness that I can't even begin to describe. The key is to keep talking, keep sorting through the emotions, keep growing, keep using the pain as a tool to help others. I've made a choice to allow what the devil meant for destruction turn it into something the Lord can use for His glory. I refuse to let the enemy get in the last word. Because I belong to the Lord and I can clearly see, every day, that He is worthy to be praised.

As far as the book goes, yes, maybe once you get past the beginning of this story it will begin to turn into a book that is "great"..but getting past that first part is not something I'm willing to do. It doesn't fall into the category of filling our minds with that which is lovely and pure.

SO..to make a longER story short, I turned it off half way to work and then listened to Dr. Laura till I got to work..but the daze from the crap storm that is The Lovely Bones still polluted my brain. Which left me brain dead to the outside world for a time..but in going over the things Swede shared with me..and going over the promises the Lord has made..by the time I got home from work I was back to normal me. :)

And, now, again I tell myself (and you) that it is always best to listen to the Lord when He first speaks instead of waiting until we deem it appropriate to obey. Needless to say, I don't appreciate the book (didn't even make it through the first chapter) and will be returning it ASAP. Writing books to help others deal with abuse is wonderful when done responsibly. From what I can tell, this book isn't directly aimed in that direction. Rather it tells a story of a girl who was raped and murdered and is looking down on her family from heaven, and explaining to us (the reader) what happened. From what I heard on the CD it wasn't an accurate description of heaven, either..so it loses on all fronts, for me. If my daughter were to die in that horrible way, I would rather believe what the Bible says of Heaven, instead of thinking she is in some stupid observatory room, watching us suffer and reliving her horrible death. Call me silly. Like I said, I didn't make it very far into the book, so I can't accurately review the whole book.


On to better things..the camping trip was great. We had a ton of fun with each other. Went on a super long and tiring hike but the views were amaaaaaazing. God's country, as they say. Quiet, peaceful (when J wasn't complaining), and magnificently beautiful. Here are a few pictures from our weekend. We were up in Bear Valley, which is sandwiched between Stanley and Lowman.

View from our campsite..Sadie in the water at sunrise.

Sunrise from our campsite..this is the view we got to see while sitting around the campfire. Lucky us!!

There are more pics (about 250 of them) on the web album. If you want it and didn't receive it, let me know.

Make the choice to have a beautiful Tuesday! I sure love you :)


  1. Sarah - I have never been abused and don't even pretend to understand the horror of it but as a parent whether you are my child or not I cry in the anger of it. I hope whoever hurt you paid for their crime and your ability to forgive, move on and raise a functional family makes me proud of you.
    Not in a lighter note....your vacation looked fun. Thanks for taking me. Now come on vacation with me.

  2. Aww thanks for bein proud of me :) I guess once I realized that people are just that..people..it made it a lot easier. We are what we "eat" and some eat shit and serve it to others. What we do with it is our choice.

    I'm so excited to be on vacation with you!! Where are we going today? Can we go back to Chipotle for lunch before we head out? :)

    BTW, I went back to the library today and checked out two new books on tape. Water for Elephants and At Home in Mitford. And, the librarian I talked to today about The Lovely Bones being scratched said, "Oh, that book. I coudln't make it through the first chapter. HORRIBLE." I said, "ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!"

    Well, have a beautiful day. I'd tell you to enjoy your family, but I think you already to that so well!

  3. Sarah,
    Good for you! Pain like that should not be glorified or dealt with lightly. I too am proud of you for your growth and ability to forgive. You are a bright light in our eyes and one of the sweetest "PEOPLE ON EARTH"! We love you with all our hearts and are so amazed with the love that you have for your family and others. We are all family in the end.